I’m not interested in having women approach me or the dating scene as I’ve been married for over five years (we’ve been together for eight).

What I am interested in is having people approach me; and me feeling inspired to approach people. Unless you live in the woods ex-communicating yourself, life comes down to how [well] you relate to yourself and other people.

Are You Pursuing Life Positively or NegativelyI do this with what I call a ‘deflated’ ego, having an genuine interest in what people are doing in their lives, and a ready-to-tell story about my life and my journey, when and if asked. This also includes interacting in digital realms; as I’ve curated my online presence so that people not only come away with a bit of curiosity about who I am and what I do; but they can immediately understand my mission, see my passion, and read my penchant for word play.

You see, I’m The Mantor™. I help men fix their relationships. What I’ve come to realize is that men are addicted to self-limitation. And I mantor them so they can explore, reclaim, and cultivate their personal power; which focuses more on their relationship with themselves than with others. Similarly, men who can’t seem to stay in a relationship, though they want to, can likely use some mantoring. I firmly believe self-love is the epicenter of each and every person; without it, life sucks. Instead of getting women to approach you, I’m saying you need to approach you.

Quick quiz:

How’s it going in your life?
Are you calm or easily annoyed?
Wanting or content?
Trapped or free?
Eager or tentative?
Worried or secure?
Withdrawn or connected?

If any answers are in the negative, it’s time to take a trip. A deep journey into yourself. Because how we perceive ourselves directly translates to what is (or isn’t happening) in your life. If you’ve got relationship drama, a pattern of failed relationships, or anxiety about approaching women; the issue is almost certainly you.

This is when the “Bro, you gotta work on your confidence” bit usually gets trotted out. I don’t think it’s self-confidence. Or self-control. Or worst of all, the internal conflict caused by the ridiculous male stereotypes that damage men more than help them. Nope. It’s about self-love. Confidence can be fake, gamed, manipulative, and transparent. There is no cheating self-love. There is no side-stepping self-love and it’s brethren: self-respect, self-care, and self-awareness.

Everything you experience is a choice and gets filtered through your particular set of lenses that sit atop your version of reality. Whether you know it or not, the choices you make (or don’t make) are creating the world around you. Either you own them by being accountable and responsible for yourself: thoughts, feelings, beliefs, actions, and words; or you relinquish your power to others. In the latter, you’re the victim and blame everyone and everything for the bad stuff that appears as if it’s happening to you rather than because of you.

Self-love is owning what you say and do, but done so with kindness rather than negative thought patterns that denigrate yourself. The harder you try to replace your lack of self-love by attempting to control others, which is a false attempt at self-ownership, the more negativity magnifies in your life.

Let’s look at love for a moment. Love isn’t just between parents and children or between spouses. Love is energy. Love is power. But you can’t give what you don’t have. You can’t give love if you don’t manufacture it. Love flows through and around us unless you’ve chosen the victim route in which case the energy is negative; commonly known as fear, misery, anxiety, disappointment, frustration, resentment, anger, and sadness.

There is a way to convert these to love, but it’s really hard inner work. It requires you to get over yourself and deflate your ego. It looks like a person who exudes warmth, compassion, empathy, and integrity. I continually work on myself to generate self-love and then give it to other people. And that not only attracts them to me but they give their love to me.

It’s my mantra: Love More, Hurt Less.


steven shewachBy John’s Special Guest: Steven Shewach
Steven Shewach is The Mantor™—a mentor of men. He provides relationship, career, and life mantoring in private and group sessions. He writes about life as a Recovering Negative Thinker on his website Love More | Hurt Less. Steven loves to connect with people on Facebook and Twitter (@shewach).