You cannot make this stuff up. I can’t, and not even the best comedy writer can. Only real life can do so, and so I present to you, Mr. Happy Spanks the Funky Monkey.
Yanking his crank in the parking lot of a target is bad enough, but then he leaves the window down (too steamy in the Cadillac?). And he has two (open) jars of Vaseline (is one a backup?). And then he has bags labeled Mr. Happy and Funky Monkey strewn all over his car.
Oh yeah, and he’s an NFL player, the dude who proclaimed “I’m a soldier” when he was in college. This is not what I’d call soldierly behavior.
What’s way worse than any legal issues that come his way is that he will now be tagged for life with all kinds of well deserved nicknames. His teammates and male friends will never let him down. If he was caught with a hot woman, that’d be one thing, but he was in the self service line, and for that he will pay forever.
When I worked in the oilfields of Alaska in the mid 90’s, there was a guy with the last name of Struble who, late one night, got up when he thought no one was looking, turned on the Satellite TV, and proceeded to joyfully pleasure himself.
Of course someone wandered in and caught him, then woke up everyone to come observed the spectacle. That’d been many years before his arrival, yet every single day someone made fun of him, and his nickname was…”The Strubalator.”
I really, really wish I had some wisdom I could extract from these one on one instances to present to you. But I do not. Everything I could say should be the commonest of sense, and if you’re so goofy as to pull over to a Target parking lot with two jars of Vaseline and bags of Funky Monkey, you deserve every bit of ridicule that’s coming your way.
So, share this story with your friends and have a good laugh about it. It IS hilarious, something almost as funny as Anthony Weiner and Sydney Leathers. Perhaps all three of them can team up and make a movie, or perhaps form a law firm, Weiner, Leathers, and Mr. Happy.
At least you know what you’re in for at that place.
By Your Host: John Alanis
John Alanis has been teaching men how to attract the women they really want since 2004, even getting them to approach you first, no matter your looks, age or income. John not only teaches the skill of initial attraction, he also teaches the skill of sustaining attraction so men can continue the relationships they form with women. After all, it is no good to meet lots of women if they won’t stick around.
John is most certainly not a part of the “pick up artist crowd,” instead teaching men how to make themselves “naturally attractive” by suppressing unattractive behaviors and amplifying attractive ones, making yourself attractive without changing “who you are.” John served in the US Navy’s submarine force in the early 90’s, worked in the oilfields of Alaska and has been running his own business since 1995. The theme of “mental toughness” and “how to be a real man in an age of girlie men” runs through is writings and teachings. While not for the faint of heart or weak of mind, John’s teachings do get results, and he has many happy subscribers and customers.